God damn. What a creepy unnecessary poem.
But since this is Halloween and I have so thoroughly neglected to revise this earlier with the new draft I owe it to you all.
This poem comes from that same batch that I’m always hacking apart. Please forgive my harshness. These are early pieces in my ever changing collection and I feel that they need the most tough love. This one is the WORST. It has a hit you on the head title and a boring and gruesome visual progression form readible to gore, with an ending not quite right.
I’m still not sure I got the ending, but let me break down what’s happening here (which I’ve color coded) to help explain where I edited away some of the soot.
First off, the connection is too strong. You want to carry weight with other literature, go ahead, but don’t drag it around like that image that comes to mind with Atlas Shrugged. So unnecessary.
second, the visuals are bad. They aren’t even compelling. This is a case of poor word controll and a need to take in more than what’s there. By that I mean the poem (any poem) can only hold so much weight. You full it with all sorts of heavy imagery, heavy words, heavy ideas and you bust open the walls.
Think of your work as a water tower. Water has a very serious tension factor you need to remeber, so make your ideas cohesive insted of comeptitive. Now imagine the structure around it, the build up of a scene or a relationship, the content of the poem needs a frame of reference. However strong this is, that is the room you have to load your commentary.
For this, a light reference to a big time image in literature was not enough to hold up a gore poem. Not even a little. The tower fell and I drowned all those poor towns-people-poetry-readers. It doesn’t need to be much, but an abscure ‘box’ in some randome place was too flimsy for this violent blend of religious commentary.
The new poem is nothing to publish about but it’s a step in the right direction.
This poem goes from bland to worse. To fix a poem carrying too much weight, try and revise the structure that holds it up. A few different words could make the difference. Don’t add, revise and revitalize. Next, remember that a connection to other work is a heavy burden, choose wisely and try to best fit your poem’s weight with the weight of the connection. If it doesn’t work, tone it down. In the new version, my poem has a lighter allusion, but still a good thought.